Saturday, March 28 2020


Teed Off (Jan 25, 2015)

Update: January, 27/2015 - 11:19

with Robert Bicknell

Missed putts, missed chips, missed cuts and now… a missed tooth?

If Tiger Woods didn't have bad luck, he'd have no luck. He might want to consider visiting a temple, light a few joss sticks, make a huge donation and let the monks pray to remove whatever black cloud is following him around.

In case you missed it, Woods went to see his girlfriend, Lindsey Vonn compete in the Super-G race in Italy. He was at the podium watching Vonn take the trophy when a videographer with a shoulder mounted camera "accidentially" whacked him in the mouth with the camera and knocked his tooth out.


I have a few nagging doubts about this story.

First of all, where is the blood? You get whacked in the mouth hard enough to knock out a tooth, there is gonna be blood. But in the photos, not a drop. Not even a swollen lip.

Secondly, wasn't this the tooth that Tiger has been having problems with over the last few years? Hmm…

OK, we give him the benefit of the doubt. If he wants to walk around looking like "Alfred E. Neuman" (Mad Magazine) or David Letterman, that's his choice. But I wonder how many fans will be wearing blacked out teeth at the Phoenix "Waste Management Open" (worst name of a tournament ever)?

Robert Allenby... kidnapped in Waikiki. Really?

According to his report, Allenby was having a few drinks after missing the cut in the Sony Open in Hawaii and was kidnapped and robbed. Really? Right. He was forced out of the bar by five guys in the heart of the tourist area, into a nearby parking garage, dumped into the trunk of a car, taken to a park six miles away, beaten up and rolled. Losing his wallet, his phone and his watch.


OK… first of all, the only "park" in that area is Kapiolani and it is not 6 or 10 kilometres from Waikiki. In fact, you can walk to it in roughly 10 minutes, provided you don't have to wait for traffic lights.

Secondly, the "homeless" lady who reportedly found him said he was just outside the bar.

One theory I have is that Allenby ordered "coffee", but with his Aussie accent it sounded like something else and there was a table full of Samoans nearby who heard it. There is no English translation for this word I am thinking of, but simply uttering it around Samoans who have been drinking will guarantee you the fastest and most brutal ass-kicking in history. If you don't know what a Samoan looks like, think "Dwayne ‘The Rock' Johnson"… He's Samoan ancestry and you don't want to get him mad… trust me.

Oh, and if you do get punched in the head by a Samoan, you will NOT know what planet you're on, much less remember your own name.

OK, either way, poor old Robert got rolled one way or another. It happens, even in Hawaii. Chances are, he went out with some guys for whatever reason, they bashed him in the face a few times, grabbed his stuff and ran off. Nevertheless, "Five-O" will sort it out. But it's a shame to see this happen to anyone.

However, if he had MADE the cut, he wouldn't have been in Waikiki getting loaded. He would have been in bed sleeping and getting ready for the next round.

Moral of the story - make cuts.

Welcome to Final Jeopardy! Remember the answer must be in the form of a question - He won a US Open and the Player's Championship, then blew a 10-stroke lead and lost a tournament in Abu Dhabi…BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Who is Martin Kaymer.

Correct. Within 90 minutes, the normally cool and collected Kaymer dropped six shots in eight holes. Ka-BOOM. Worse, he got beaten by Frenchman Gary Stal (Ranked 357) who was able to post his first European Tour title on Sunday.

Strange happenings for sure. Hmm… for those who love conspiracy theories, try this one on for size…

Tiger is in a bar in Waikiki, sees Allenby. Makes a comment about him missing the cut. Allenby loops a punch knocking out Tiger's tooth. Tiger gets up and, using his "SEAL Team 6 training" kicks his ass. Story gets back to Kaymer who laughs so hard he cannot concentrate and drops 10 strokes.

It wouldn't surprise me one bit…. — VNS

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