Sunday, August 19 2018


Teed Off (Aug. 25, 2013)

Update: August, 25/2013 - 22:26

with Robert Bicknell

Well, it seems Tiger Woods woes simply continue to mount. First he suffered a debilitating knee injury which required surgery and rehab, then he hurt his wrist and now, he has suffered a horrific neck and back injury in his hotel room…

That's right, he was wounded by his bedding.

Scoff if you wish, but there are thousands of reports filed every year with insurance companies by people who were attacked by their bed linens and mattresses. I hesitate to say that most Americans are fragile and overeager to claim insurance, but if that isn't the case, there must be something to this phenomenon.

They say that most accidents happen around the home and I can understand that, especially in the US as homeowners enjoy puttering around the yard and can get run over by their own lawn mower, trip over a garden hose or, in the spirit of the Three Stooges, step on a rake which snaps vertical and bashes them in the face.

Shall we even mention how many US homeowners who electrocute themselves trying to change a blown fuse? Here's a hint, don't try to do it with a beer can in one hand, a sandwich in the other hand and talking on the cell phone.

In Tiger's case, it was a simple case of assault. His mattress was too soft for him and he ended up with a stiff back and neck. I am sure that a few Ibuprofen and an hour in the physical therapy trailer will fix him up right as rain.

You can also bet the hotel is mortified by the event and all soft mattresses will be blown to Kingdom Come with a bazooka. If you end up with a hard mattress in the future at that particular hotel, you can blame Tiger for it.

Personally, I love soft mattresses and big huge fluffy pillows which seem to be exclusive to five star hotels and resorts. It's the only time my back doesn't hurt. If you toss in a steak sandwich and you'll understand why I like Norfolk Hotel. Great food, great service and great beds.

Unfortunately, since I have relocated to HCM City, I have no excuse to stay at Norfolk. More unfortunate is that my wife picked out the mattress for our house here and it's the style she is used to…

Yes, hard as a rock and only one step above a bare wooded bed.

I had to sleep on those in the very early days here in Viet Nam and was never thrilled by it. I could never understand how people could be comfortable on it. OK, granted, straight wood eliminates any bedbug problem, keeps people cool in the summer and is supposedly good for your back, but I never fell in love with it.

Fortunately, we also have a full size, American-style, sofa and when the bed gets too much for me to handle, I drop my fat behind onto the sofa and am asleep within seconds.

For those who have never been to America, let me explain this phenomenon as simply as I can.

American men LIVE on the sofa. We are happiest there. We eat on the sofa. We drink on the sofa and we watch endless amount of sports programmes on TV while lounging on the sofa. In the old days, the sofa was the only thing that mattered to us. Of course, now we have to add a big flat screen TV to the equation, but the sofa remains the centrepiece.

When American families go shopping for furniture for a new house, the wife buys anything she wants for every room in the house EXCEPT for the sofa and TV. That remains the male's choice and woe behold any female who gets in the way. This is NOT negotiable.

According to the reports, Tiger's hotel will replace the mattress to something firmer because, after all, we cannot have a man who is chasing Jack Nicklaus's record to be denied due to inappropriate bedding, but if I can make a suggestion…

I know of a wonderfully rock-hard mattress which I would be happy to ship, free of charge, to the hotel in return for one of their soft mattresses and a few fluffy pillows.

But, keep your hands off my sofa… — VNS

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