with Robert Bicknell
There is something about calendars that confuse the hell out of me and proof of that was your reading last week's column about the US Open a week ahead of time. You know the guy who shows up at a BBQ wearing a tux and the next week shows up at a black tie dinner wearing shorts and a Hawaiian T-shirt?
Bingo. Probably me.
Remember my visa screw up at the Bangkok airport last year? Yup…the simplest things can send me over the edge. This is why I have a secretary and editors, neither of which caught the mistakes either, so I am not alone in this world, which is strangely comforting.
Now, before you get all crazy thinking there is no way in the world to possibly forget the date of the US Open, especially if you're an American golf pro, I have just proven to you that there is, so shaddap.
I contemplated calling myself a s*****k in print but the editors found out a few years ago what that word means and won't let me use it anymore. Probably one of the Western sub-editors who understand Yiddish ratted me out. Killjoy.
For those of you who don't understand Yiddish, let me just say that it's a slang word used in the US to describe a moron. Formerly confined to New York, it found its way into nationwide use, probably due to endless reruns of "Seinfeld".
Either way, that's the word and I am a walking example of it.
For those of you who are sticklers about dates, go and get last week's column out of the bottom of the birdcage and read it this week and pretend you didn't already read it. Yes, that shouldn't be too hard as I am eminently forgettable.
For those of you who really don't care, here's this week's column which was supposed to run last week. Read it, and then stuff it in the birdcage in lieu of the other column. Please don't put it in the cat's litter box as it will give them a terrible rash.
Since the US Open is now over, let us move on to more important things in golf…such as 33-year old LPGA star Grace Park retiring due to injuries. She claimed it was her own fault for not taking care of her body.
If you've seen Grace Park, you'd realize that NOT taking care of that body would be a damn shame. Why she didn't have a personal trainer watching over her night and day is one of life's mysteries. In fact, despite winning over $5 million on tour, she used to constantly bemoan the fact she couldn't find a boyfriend.
I find that hard to believe.
Park suffered from back, neck and hip problems, underwent two surgeries, and missed the better part of three years on tour because of it.
For the record, people who claim golf isn't a "sport" should look at the injuries incurred by the top players. No, I am not talking about the ones incurred by amateur golfers such as paper cuts from the edge of the scorecard, lead poisoning from licking the tip of the pencil, bleeding scalp from trying to stick a tee behind their ear and missing repeatedly and, of course, the most common injury, cutting their finger on a beer can pull top.
Hmm, my wife is looking at me strangely and asking where the knife sharpener is.
I wonder if it had to do with the fact that I diligently forced myself to look at all the Grace Park photos on the web as part of the research. Is it my fault I accidentally clicked on the pages of Grace Park "the actress" who was provocatively posing for Maxim magazine instead of the golfer of the same name?
Yes, as you can see, calendars and reading visas are not my only problems. I also suffer from an Internet-induced condition known as "clickitis" which is the web version of another condition where you accidentally say "I'd like to stick your head in a bucket of cement" when you actually meant, "Good morning, how are you today."
In golf, we refer to that as the "yips".
In my world, it's referred to as just being myself… — VNS