Monday, October 26 2020


Teed Off (02-01-2011)

Update: January, 03/2011 - 16:03

with Robert Bicknell

Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. Should auld acquaintances be forgot? In the case of last year, as far as I am concerned, yes they should and quickly.

As usual, I am putting forth my list of predictions for 2011 with the anticipation that, like last year and the years before that, none will come true. Yes, I am infallible when it comes to predictions, except for the last Ryder Cup, where I was actually correct. However, the result was so obvious from the start that it shouldn't be considered a prediction anyway.

Therefore, here is my list of unlikely predictions for the coming year.

In 2011, Tiger Woods will shake off his lethargy, return to form and play some fantastic golf after hiring the "Cigar Guy" as his new coach. Caddie Steve Williams is forced to wear a turban and smoke cigars through out the round to keep Tiger on track.

In 2011, Phil Mickelson will announce the launch of his new chain of "Mickelburger" restaurants featuring char-broiled burgers so big they're guaranteed to make you choke uncontrollably. The chain will also sell doughnuts with a little painted cup inside and a flagstick. Yes, all the employees will wear green jackets.

In March, Michelle Wie will announce she is designing a clothing line with Lindsey Lohan called "Out of Bounds", perfect for people always stepping over the edge.

In August, Ms Wie will announce she successfully passed the newly created Stanford course in the Rules of Golf.

In 2011, Japanese sensation, Ryo Ishikawa will shoot 51 in a tournament and become a national hero with a manga cartoon video game created in his likeness with a magical putter that destroys his enemies. Of course, the bad guy looks suspiciously like Tiger Woods and is surrounded by ladies of evil virtue.

Colin Montgomerie will officially come out of the closet and admit he really is Mrs Doubtfire and Robin Williams only did the voice over. The subsequent easing of his soul results in his first win in a Major over Lee Westwood, Rory McIlroy and Tiger Woods at The 2011 Open.

In 2011, John Daly plays an event in grey slacks and a white shirt, thus going unnoticed throughout the entire tournament. Daly wins the tournament and donates the cheque to charity because that's the kind of guy he is.

In 2011, Lee Westwood's number one position is shared by Tiger Woods, Germany's Martin Kaymer, Phil Mickelson, Jim Furyk, Steve Stricker, Northern Ireland's Graeme McDowell and the English trio of Paul Casey, Luke Donald and Ian Poulter, who rotate the title amongst themselves weekly.

David Duval will win the US Open and stun the Las Vegas bookmakers who put him off at a million to one.

Fred Couples will win the Masters tournament wearing an even more comfortable pair of shoes, which sparks a new trend on golf courses worldwide. Tom Watson will finish second and Stewart Cink third, wearing the same shoes as Freddie.

Sergio Garcia, Adam Scott, Steve Sticker and Lee Westwood tee off in the final round of the PGA Championship in perfect position for one of them to finally win their first major and lose the title BPNTWAM (Best Player To Never To Win A Major). Unfortunately for them, Tiger Woods makes a last minute impossible charge to take home the win by a stroke.

OK, onwards…

I just heard that Gillette (a razor company under P&G) has decided to not renew it's sponsorship agreement with Tiger Woods. Sorry, but this seems like a match made in heaven and I cannot understand why Gillette would not rush to take advantage of it.

Gillette claims to allow men to shave closer without getting razor burn and nicks. So who better than Tiger Woods to tout the product as he escaped the closest shave of all last year. OK, granted, he did get burned, but only because of his own actions.

Perhaps 2011 will be better for him.

I would like to wish all of you a safe, prosperous and Happy New Year for 2011. — VNS

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