Tuesday, November 21 2017

VietNamNews

Romance on the green

Update: September, 03/2017 - 09:00
 
Viet Nam News

By Robert Bicknell

There are always days when looking for topics to write about is very frustrating. But there are also days when things just pop out at you and it’s impossible to resist…

Like a recent story about a couple in South Carolina (USA) getting arrested for having sex on the golf course. Yes, I know this sounds like a bad adult video concept, but the fact remains that it does happen a lot more frequently than people expect, especially in college towns.

The difference between reality and a bad AV is that, in real life, the dialogue is better and nobody shows up with a pizza box… No, I am not going to explain this…

Students in US universities sometimes live in dormitories, so there isn’t a lot of privacy. If they have a roommate, they can try the old “clothes hanger on the doorknob” signal to tell the roommate to stay out, but what if the roommate got there first with the same idea?

Also, not too many university students have their own car and taking a girl out for a romantic evening of fun and games doesn’t really work on a bicycle. Yes, I realize that motorcycles are an option, but if it’s not a Harley, forget it, and if the student cannot afford a car he sure as hell cannot afford a Harley.

Chances are they cannot afford a hotel room either. Students in the US are usually impoverished and what little money they do have is spent on instant noodles and beer. Lots of beer.

So, that means most destinations for a romantic encounter have to be within walking distance of the university and that means public parks – which are dangerous for many reasons – or a golf course, of which, there are usually at least one in a university/college town.

The dangers of getting caught doing the wild thing on a golf course are kind of remote. When people do get caught, it’s usually because someone was out walking their dog and calls the police.

If it’s a guy walking a dog and carrying a pizza box, the police don’t get called and they cue the really corny music. No, I am still not going to explain this…

Most people would assume correctly that the biggest dangers are snakes and insects, which would be true and they can really ruin your night. Dogs getting off their leash and running around loose are also a hazard, but the dangers are the ones you cannot see…

Chemicals.

Despite the best efforts of the Golf Course superintendents, there are times when chemicals have to be sprayed on the grass to kill off disease, algae or insects. Rolling around “au natural” on grass after its been sprayed with fungicide or insecticide will give you a rash in places you don’t want to think about and, yes, you probably will scratch yourself in public afterwards…

Granular fertilizers and salt applications will also give you a nasty burn…it’s the friction which triggers it.

The other problem is “where” to do it.

First of all, forget the bunkers. You really do not want sand in those places. Trust me on this. Remember all those romantic movies about couples on the beach? Forget it. That’s Hollywood BS.

Sand is a no-no.

While the greens would “seem” to be inviting, they’re usually kind of hard and out in the open. Also, the superintendent will find you and kill you.

The fairways are also out in the open, so the best place would be near the trees or in the rough. Nice soft grass in the rough… much better and harder for someone to see you.

Now, having said all that, I sincerely do not advocate people do such things, but I understand human nature. Sometimes you just want to go for it, or be a little bit daring.

But understand this…

All the security guards at my clubs patrol 24/7 and they are all armed. These guys on the night shift here in Viet Nam are not understanding and gentle. They see weird things and are afraid of ghosts.

If they see you and, for some reason, do not attack or send in the dogs, they will call me to come and rectify the situation.

And I have a pizza box…

VNS

 

 

 

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